II - III

continued from here ...... (where the story begins)

 

II

IT WAS AMAZING

how some days would turn themselves on their heads; not occasionally producing insights from the driest-seeming desert, like an oasis actually being come upon through what seemed like a mirage.

But recently it hadn't been days, but weeks and weeks and weeks; these weeks had been following one another, throwing out shadows which could look real but always seemed to turn into dust. And even the “newest modality” was beginning to feel like a stopgap; yet another way of seeing and knowing which enchanted for a while and then began to fade, while taking ever more energy to pursue.

How the sudden change had come about he hardly remembered, just that it had an irresistible strength unlike anything he could recently recall - a deep insight had exploded into an unexpected challenge. He was trying to get his head around “being god” and “being conscious reality” and “being the feeling” when the words came roaring out of his mouth, “I'm carrying YOUR PAIN! It's not MINE!”

The words were finding their own way to be shouted; “This relationship IS NOT WORKING FOR ME!”

They couldn't be stopped now. “Either you heal your Old Testament self and all those other ancient tyrannical versions – not to mention “the body is 'wrong' and you're going to punish us” - or I will say thank you and goodbye and turn my back and go. I can be god on my own terms, with much more fun and far less people hurting and killing each other. I'm going to make my own miracles!”

And then the ultimatum – quietly but with extreme and unusual power;
“Either you agree to start healing by the time I'm in bed, tonight, or it's over!”

Now, less than 24 hours later, looking into the eyes of this curious stranger, he wondered how he'd had the courage or the inspiration or foolhardiness to throw down such a gauntlet; and yet here was this mild-mannered figure in his studio, now come to him. The stranger had said “Yes!” and was asking for help.

Whatever was he going to do now? Where was he going to be able to find a place to start – a place before time, before the void, before......?

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III

“THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO TELL YOU.” 
The stranger had already begun.

“I'm not really who you think I am.”

“Go on.”

“I don't remember how I became me or where I came from.”

A long silence.

“My first awareness was of an incredible longing, a yearning which I couldn't place. There was nothing – only this desire, a kind of energetic pain which had no reason or word or anything. And it just became stronger and wider and more and more unbearable.”

“Can you imagine bursting into something when there is nothing to burst into? It was like that – and then there was Light, stunning Light – I knew it was there; I didn't know how, but it felt really good. And there was expanse and wisps of movement. And in some strange way I was doing all this, making it up, and yet it was making itself and a game was being played. It was extraordinary! The yearning was still there, but as long as the game and movement were happening, the desire was just part of the process.”

The visitor's story had immediately captivated him and he nearly spilled his coffee down his trousers; could it really have been like this?

“Of course, you know the rest of that story...” 

“No, please, go on – I was enjoying it..”

“Well, there are many versions – they're all nearly true – but there came a moment when everything seemed to be in place with all its rules and orders, stars and orbits and different types of whizzing and colour - and a bit of chaos thrown in for good measure so that thing's wouldn't get stuck!

And then instead of being part of it all, I stopped to survey everything as though I was outside. It was unbelievable, extraordinary. But wherever I was, part of it or outside it, or in some way in-between, I could not escape that feeling, the yearning, greater than ever before; it wouldn't go away!”

Another long silence. The stranger's eyes were pleading for something.

His own words surprised him. “Were you lonely?”

Tears started to pour from the stranger's eyes and there were sobs like the shudders of galaxies as the sentences formed...“I .... longed for... longed for... something, someone... that I could look into ... something, someone that could look into... look and see... me!....
I had come from nothing, I had needed.... wanted nothing, and now, now.....”

The pauses and the sobs were painful

“... and now, I NEEDED TO BE SEEN. It all started there! It was wonderful and painful at the same time! I wanted something or someone to know me.”

“Why?”

“There is nothing like me. Well, there wasn't, then. All that had to evolve by itself.”

“I knew I must make a decision. To expand the universes, make them lighter and denser, smaller and bigger, different from one another; I knew that this would create something miraculous if I waited long enough. And you're the result – here in this tiny corner.”

“Me?”

“They weren't much like you then; they were the fledgelings – beautiful beings, full of joy and fun – they laughed all the time without any cares. How I longed to be like one of them!” 
He was beginning to notice that the atmosphere in the studio had changed. Lighter and full of mysterious sparkles that had come from nowhere. And then suddenly,

“Look, I'm sorry, I must go. Can I come back tomorrow? Same time?”

“Yes, of course”

The strangest thing was that the visitor didn't get up to go; just dematerialized, vanished into the air, leaving a sweet old-world garden smell that was vaguely familiar.

For a long time, he sat in his chair opposite where the visitor had been. Bemused. Everything was so quiet in the room; he noticed a calm quiet in himself, too.

Finally, pulling himself together he went over to the donations box and picked up the first envelope. In confusion and surprise he counted it three times. A little over $2000 – it seemed to change each time he counted. And then he looked at the clock on the wall.

It was still 12.

continued here .......